I was surprised to read recently that Courtney Love genuinely suspected she knew where the lost Malaysian plane could be found before any other country figured it out.  When I mentioned this to someone they immediately said, "Was she stoned?"  How would I know?  I just know her thoughts made news and gave me something to ponder.  My first thought was, "How could a comment from Courtney Love about such a sensitive issue like this make it into the news?"  Then I thought, "Wow, she really took some time thinking about this.  I wonder why no one else thought of this?"  There was a map and arrows pointing to a place on the map.  It all looked very official.

This news started my brain to think about other things in the world that need to happen, like a cure for cancer.  There are millions of dollars being poured into cancer research and treatments, but we have yet to come up with anything that actually works without a doubt.  I know too many people who have been touched by this disease and it's starting to get on my nerves.  One of my dear friends is battling right now as well as my sister.  My sister has a positive attitude although her prognosis is dire.  My friend has been depressed since the day he learned of his illness.  I don't know what lies in his future, but I wish he would treat every day as a blessing and a gift instead of spending this time under a cloud.

I know it is difficult to deal with the prospect of not being around for your family and not knowing how long you will be around, but for heaven sake, enjoy the time you are here.  I told him this, and my husband told me he completely understood and asked why I would say such a thing.  "Should I have told him to continue worrying?  Can we stop our future, or is it only possible to live in the present?  What is the purpose of worry?"

I was told that he is probably worrying about where he is going after his demise.  Now, that is something I never thought of, but, as a Catholic, we are taught we might not get into Heaven if we do not live spiritual lives.  My husband apparently is worried about being admitted into heaven.  I told him he was a good man and didn't need to worry.  Apparently, he thinks he needs to do more, so thank goodness he is healthy and has time to redeem himself!  He told me a story about how he used to steal donuts with his friends from a bakery truck early Saturday mornings while the truck was delivering to the Acme. He and his friends took them right off the truck for breakfast, and no one ever suspected.  This was 46 years ago, and it still haunts him.  He thinks he needs to go to confession.  I told him to talk to God.  He won't rest until he talks to a priest.  Unbelievable.

Anyway, I asked my friend if he was allowed to drink wine, and he said  he is going to ask his doctor.  Just one little glass of wine could help him to relax.  Two might make him forget for a little while.  And three might make him actually have a good time!  But, we'll start with one. 

Then, I thought, wouldn't it be great if they discovered wine could cure cancer??!!  No chemo, no radiation, just go home and drink lots of wine!  Pour it on your head if you need to, depending on what type of cancer you have...skin cancer, hair cancer, scalp cancer, dandruff.  I know, I'm getting carried away.  I like wine.

So, do we think my instinctive idea that wine may cure cancer will hit the news?  I'm doubting it!  I think I'll just go have a glass of wine and keep this thought to myself.  In this case, I think we might be a little different.

It is not easy to maintain sanity when it seems we are surrounded with insanity at every turn.  I believe I manage quite well, especially living with an 85-year-old woman who sometimes doesn't know if it's day or night.  This morning she got up at 6:30 am and wondered how come dinner wasn't ready yet.  Then she proceeded to turn the TV up to a volume that insured the rest of the house would wake up with her.  I should mention no one works normal hours, so there is no need for any of us to be up before 8 am. A little insane.

Then, last night we wanted to watch a movie on Netflix which we have paid for a couple of years and never used.  My son claimed he didn't know the password, but later informed us there were no more accounts available because three of his friends were using the other accounts which, again, we are paying for.  Should I be paying for something I can't use?  Apparently my husband wants to discuss it with my son first.  Maybe it's me, but that is insane.

Now, on another note, what do you do when you're unemployed?  Well, apparently, you buy a new car.  Yep.  My husband just bought a new car.  He discussed it with me and I didn't say no because, well, I thought logic would kick in and make him realize it might not be a good idea.  When he came home with it, I told him maybe he should have waited a few months and he said I should have said something sooner.  Seriously?  That is insane.

One more thing.  In my job searches, I decided to apply for a job in which I have 26 years experience.  I was rejected because I did not have the experience they were looking for. With that said, I do not know what someone with 26 years experience would have to offer anyone any more.  I'm starting to feel insane.

In summation, I live with a woman who doesn't know night from day, a son who is generous with friends and uses our money, a husband who thinks money grows on trees, no apparent job experience, and I twiddle my thumbs wondering if I'm the one living in an alternate reality.

It has been said that insanity is the closest thing to genius, so maybe everyone around me is a genius!  I better start adopting some of these attitudes so I can be labeled a genius too!  Then we can all really not be that different!

I have been reading the recent unemployment news and feeling discouraged by the situation of so many Americans, myself included.  The good thing is, most of the people I worked with who became unemployed at the same time, are now employed and this makes me very happy.

As for me, I have sent out at least 100 resumes and although the resume gets attention occasionally, something goes wrong with the interview. I decided after losing my job that I did not want to go back into retail, so I learned Microsoft Office thinking I could work in an office.  But, there is always something else wanted for the job that I don't feel qualified for.  No, I haven't used Excel extensively, no, I don't know Quick Books, no, I have not done bookkeeping, no, I have never worked in a Dr.'s office, or a hospital, no, I have not used PowerPoint.  That's a lot of "no's."  But, the fact that I have learned how to use all the applications in Microsoft Office does not seem to matter.  All that matters is I have not actually applied them to an actual job.  Every interviewer seems to like me, and a couple have forwarded my resume to other people, which is very unusual, but no one is willing to take the plunge to see if I can actually do the job.

One company rejected me, then called me a few weeks later, and I turned them down. Idiotic?  Yes, it was. I was recommended by friends for two other jobs, but rejected after the interview.  One because I was not certified to work in an insurance office, and I don't know why for the other.  Once, I was asked if I wanted to stay a couple of hours after an interview in a doctor's office to "get familiar with the office procedures." I had a notebook with me and took all kinds of notes, and even answered the phone.  Never heard from them again.  I don't think I scared anyone away, but who knows?

So, now I've decided to go back into retail, and applied to an open position where my son works, but they just filled the position the week before. Another man I met in a bar where I work part time offered me a job twice.  The last time he was with his wife, and both gave me their phone numbers.  When I called a few days later, they "just hired someone last week."  Why do people make offers just to rescind when actually faced with an acceptance?

Now, I feel like I've been out of work too long and employers are wary of that.  It's been over a year, and unemployment benefits have been cut off since December.  Apparently, retail is what I know best, but it kills me to go back to it.  I am tired of working weekends and holidays after 26 years.  Home Depot wanted to pay me $8.00 per hour part time.  Should I have accepted out of desperation?

My family tells me I talk everyone out of hiring me.  They want to hire me, and I tell them why I'm not the right person for the job.  I actually said to one man over the phone, "I don't think I'm the right person for this job."  What??  There is seriously something wrong with me! Instead of saying "I can do that!"  I say, "I've never done that."  I'm way too honest and need to learn to show more confidence in my abilities.

If I was younger, maybe I wouldn't have this problem.  If I was older I could collect Social Security. I'm stuck in the middle, and it's sad and frustrating that so many other people are in the same position.  All of the people I know would be an asset to anyone willing to take the plunge and hire an older, reliable worker.  I will do anything at this point and have started applying for anything I feel even slightly qualified for. My new response is, "Yes!  Absolutely, I can do that!  (There is a short training period, right?)"  "Scheduling?  Sure!!
(I can take some notes, right?)"  "Make coffee?  Of course! (As long as there is no other cooking involved.)"

My, I've done a lot of complaining here!  Sorry to bore readers with this stuff.  But, if a manager, or hiring person is reading this, take the time to consider an older, out of work employee.  They really are more dependable and would treasure the opportunity to work and be able to pay their bills!  Everyone needs to have an income that covers their expenses.  Our needs are really all the same.

How does one say goodbye to someone whose days are numbered?  Everyone knows that person is not going to be alive a couple of months from now, but no one can talk about it.  We all sit around the room together and see the elephant in the middle of the room, but we pretend it's not there.  Or, we hope maybe someone else will notice and start a dialogue.  We will pick up something in a store and think, "She may like this," then realize she will not be around to enjoy it.  Or see something in the house and think, she may be able to use this for her canning this summer, but realize again she will not be canning this summer. It's not an easy topic to approach, especially if there are unresolved issues that should be addressed so the person leaving this earth, leaves in peace, and we feel comfortable knowing they left us with a clean, forgiving heart and there is no guilt on either side.

I recently reached out to someone whose days are numbered because I couldn't stand the thought that she was leaving me and might not understand the hurt I felt about our relationship.  She might not understand how much I loved her and how betrayed I felt about many things in our lives that seemed unfair and unrealistic to me.  She will never know I discovered lies she told me and manipulations involving our family finances. For her peace, I would never tell her. In the end, I believe these things do not matter in the whole scheme of life.  The only thing that matters is the love we have for each other and the knowledge that we know we sometimes treat each other unfairly.  She apologized to me, freely and without prompting.  I had already told myself I wanted her to die in peace and I too would apologize for whatever part I played in this pattern of "he said, she said" behind the back talk.  It was a heart wrenching, powerful, life sucking moment, but one that needed to be experienced for the cleansing of both hearts.  The only way to deal with years of pain and misunderstanding is to let it go.  Truly let it go and move on, one day at a time.

Little, by little, I release a little more of past issues.  I believe I have let it go.  Sometimes it still creeps into my head, but I push it back.  Grudges suck our life and block our happiness. We shouldn't wait till the end of our lives to resolve our issues, and I try every day not to have issues to resolve!  Unfortunately, I like to say whatever is on my mind and have a dialogue with someone about it.  This is not something a lot of people feel comfortable with and I sometimes offend the very people I'm trying to be honest with to have a healthier relationship.

Relationships are tough and being honest with each other doesn't always work.  I can take criticism, but sometimes it has hurt.  But, I believe it makes me a better person to know the things I do that annoy others.  If I'm not told, I don't know that sometimes I can be totally annoying, when I think I'm tons of fun!  Saying the right words without offending is not easy, but we should all be open to hearing them and try to listen, absorb, and pay attention to our behavior. Then, try to be better, and let it go.  Let the past be the past, and make tomorrow better.

Life in general is not easy if we are trying every day to be the person we want to be...but life is meant to be lived and mistakes will be made. We can't beat ourselves up over our mistakes because they can always be corrected.  And we will continue to make them. We are human, after all, and we are really not that different.

Top of the mornin' to you on this day of Irish celebration when everyone is Irish!  The O'Smiths, O'Jones, O'Giavanni's, O'Chen's, O'Vladimir's, O'Goldsmith's, O'Garcia's, and yes, the Obama's  are all Irish today!  Green and proud, we stand as one nationality today.  A part of me thinks it would be wonderful if we supported each other every day, but that is not how America was started.  Plus, there would be way too much drinking and green outfits to contend with on a daily basis.

Diversity is what makes this country unique.  The differences of ideas, nationalities and traditions.  Gradually, we seem to be more open and accepting of differences in people, but it has taken hundreds of years.  Change is slow because not many people are open to it, and to many, change is scary because the outcome is unpredictable.  We need to know that our decisions are going to be beneficial and an improvement over our prior situation.  But, we can't know that unless we try it out first.

Basically, this is the same problem we all have in life.  If I make a decision, will it be the right one?  Will it be an improvement or a disaster?  The responsibility is overwhelming.  That's why I leave the decision-making to someone else.  I do not want to be responsible for getting it wrong.  It is so much easier just to say, "Hey!  It wasn't my decision!  I would have never done it that way!"  No one can blame me, and I have no guilt regarding the destruction the other person caused.  I can almost be the hero when they all come to me and say, "Eileen, we should have let you decide.  This disaster would have been avoided!"  And I can be all humble and say, "Yes, you're probably right.  It should have been me."  See how I dodged the bullet there?

Now, when it comes time for a new decision, we need a new excuse to avoid it and pass it to someone else.  Thinking of new ways of avoidance can be difficult, but not impossible.  I have used, "I have a terrible cold, which may have turned to pneumonia, and I need a LOT if rest."  Or, "I need to plan meals for the needy for the rest of the year."  Or, "I haven't cleaned my house in ages, and it will take me at least the rest of my life to get it in order."  See how easy that is?  Much easier than making a decision.

Therefore, on this St. Paddy's day, embrace the culture and exuberance of the Irish.  Think about also accepting and acknowledging the rest of American cultures in the future.  Life in this country and the world would be much more peaceful if we could be more tolerant of the differences in people.  And let someone else make the decisions!  That is just too much responsibility!  I should have applied that to a job offer I had recently when I told the man I was not the right person for the job.  What made me think I should make that decision??  See, that was just wrong and it won't happen again.  We all make mistakes.  Why?  Because we are all the basically the same.  Happy St. Paddy's Day!!

Spring has not sprung and winter is letting us know with a vengeance that it is not ready to go quietly. Cold weather just seems to exaggerate whatever is going on in our lives.  Somehow, flowers in bloom make everything else seem bearable. We can't make it happen, but wouldn't it be great if we could?

If you wake up without heat on a night it is a 0 degree wind chill, it's ok.  The sunshine will do its thing!  Poof! Flowers will start to grow.  If bad news arrives on a dreary day. It's ok.  The sun will come out to wake up the flowers. Sunshine and flowers are so cliche but so effective.

This year has been full of tragedy for so many people I know and love.  I lost two family members, one too young, and one very old. I'm about to lose another.  One of my friends is dealing with possibly losing her dear husband.  Winter makes these tragedies feel worse as it tends to make people not want to leave the house.  If we could get out and see each other on a beautiful day, these tragedies could be shared easily, and we wouldn't have to worry about the snow when planning a funeral. Snow was a factor in three of the funerals I attended this year which increased the anxiety of an already stressful situation.

But, I think we are over the hump and I'm pretty sure the light at the end of the tunnel is sunshine and not a freight train.  Just a few more weeks and we can emerge from hibernation and renew friendships with neighbors and all the people we have not made the effort to see because we haven't wanted to face the winter cold. We will feel the sun on our face, and the warm breeze blowing our hair. We get to wear flip flops again or no shoes at all.  We can walk on the beach in shorts.  And the best thing of all, we don't have to shovel any more snow.  But, wait, now we have to mow the lawn, and plant flowers, and water the lawn, and clean the grill, and paint the house, and slap the mosquitoes.

Yes, there is always work to do whatever season is here.  I guess it's a matter of preference, like everything else in life.  I prefer warm weather, so it never feels like work if I'm outside in the sun. Sunshine is rejuvenating, so I'm looking forward to lots of it.  My tragedies are not over, but the sun heals my wounded heart.  I can feel it on my skin, penetrating warmth that reaches my soul and soothes the pain. I am happy to see winter leave so the sun and flowers can brighten my every day.  I think we all need days that soothe us and remind us we are alive and grateful for whatever we find beautiful.  Whatever your preference is, we are really all the same.