I have been reading the recent unemployment news and feeling discouraged by the situation of so many Americans, myself included.  The good thing is, most of the people I worked with who became unemployed at the same time, are now employed and this makes me very happy.

As for me, I have sent out at least 100 resumes and although the resume gets attention occasionally, something goes wrong with the interview. I decided after losing my job that I did not want to go back into retail, so I learned Microsoft Office thinking I could work in an office.  But, there is always something else wanted for the job that I don't feel qualified for.  No, I haven't used Excel extensively, no, I don't know Quick Books, no, I have not done bookkeeping, no, I have never worked in a Dr.'s office, or a hospital, no, I have not used PowerPoint.  That's a lot of "no's."  But, the fact that I have learned how to use all the applications in Microsoft Office does not seem to matter.  All that matters is I have not actually applied them to an actual job.  Every interviewer seems to like me, and a couple have forwarded my resume to other people, which is very unusual, but no one is willing to take the plunge to see if I can actually do the job.

One company rejected me, then called me a few weeks later, and I turned them down. Idiotic?  Yes, it was. I was recommended by friends for two other jobs, but rejected after the interview.  One because I was not certified to work in an insurance office, and I don't know why for the other.  Once, I was asked if I wanted to stay a couple of hours after an interview in a doctor's office to "get familiar with the office procedures." I had a notebook with me and took all kinds of notes, and even answered the phone.  Never heard from them again.  I don't think I scared anyone away, but who knows?

So, now I've decided to go back into retail, and applied to an open position where my son works, but they just filled the position the week before. Another man I met in a bar where I work part time offered me a job twice.  The last time he was with his wife, and both gave me their phone numbers.  When I called a few days later, they "just hired someone last week."  Why do people make offers just to rescind when actually faced with an acceptance?

Now, I feel like I've been out of work too long and employers are wary of that.  It's been over a year, and unemployment benefits have been cut off since December.  Apparently, retail is what I know best, but it kills me to go back to it.  I am tired of working weekends and holidays after 26 years.  Home Depot wanted to pay me $8.00 per hour part time.  Should I have accepted out of desperation?

My family tells me I talk everyone out of hiring me.  They want to hire me, and I tell them why I'm not the right person for the job.  I actually said to one man over the phone, "I don't think I'm the right person for this job."  What??  There is seriously something wrong with me! Instead of saying "I can do that!"  I say, "I've never done that."  I'm way too honest and need to learn to show more confidence in my abilities.

If I was younger, maybe I wouldn't have this problem.  If I was older I could collect Social Security. I'm stuck in the middle, and it's sad and frustrating that so many other people are in the same position.  All of the people I know would be an asset to anyone willing to take the plunge and hire an older, reliable worker.  I will do anything at this point and have started applying for anything I feel even slightly qualified for. My new response is, "Yes!  Absolutely, I can do that!  (There is a short training period, right?)"  "Scheduling?  Sure!!
(I can take some notes, right?)"  "Make coffee?  Of course! (As long as there is no other cooking involved.)"

My, I've done a lot of complaining here!  Sorry to bore readers with this stuff.  But, if a manager, or hiring person is reading this, take the time to consider an older, out of work employee.  They really are more dependable and would treasure the opportunity to work and be able to pay their bills!  Everyone needs to have an income that covers their expenses.  Our needs are really all the same.

How does one say goodbye to someone whose days are numbered?  Everyone knows that person is not going to be alive a couple of months from now, but no one can talk about it.  We all sit around the room together and see the elephant in the middle of the room, but we pretend it's not there.  Or, we hope maybe someone else will notice and start a dialogue.  We will pick up something in a store and think, "She may like this," then realize she will not be around to enjoy it.  Or see something in the house and think, she may be able to use this for her canning this summer, but realize again she will not be canning this summer. It's not an easy topic to approach, especially if there are unresolved issues that should be addressed so the person leaving this earth, leaves in peace, and we feel comfortable knowing they left us with a clean, forgiving heart and there is no guilt on either side.

I recently reached out to someone whose days are numbered because I couldn't stand the thought that she was leaving me and might not understand the hurt I felt about our relationship.  She might not understand how much I loved her and how betrayed I felt about many things in our lives that seemed unfair and unrealistic to me.  She will never know I discovered lies she told me and manipulations involving our family finances. For her peace, I would never tell her. In the end, I believe these things do not matter in the whole scheme of life.  The only thing that matters is the love we have for each other and the knowledge that we know we sometimes treat each other unfairly.  She apologized to me, freely and without prompting.  I had already told myself I wanted her to die in peace and I too would apologize for whatever part I played in this pattern of "he said, she said" behind the back talk.  It was a heart wrenching, powerful, life sucking moment, but one that needed to be experienced for the cleansing of both hearts.  The only way to deal with years of pain and misunderstanding is to let it go.  Truly let it go and move on, one day at a time.

Little, by little, I release a little more of past issues.  I believe I have let it go.  Sometimes it still creeps into my head, but I push it back.  Grudges suck our life and block our happiness. We shouldn't wait till the end of our lives to resolve our issues, and I try every day not to have issues to resolve!  Unfortunately, I like to say whatever is on my mind and have a dialogue with someone about it.  This is not something a lot of people feel comfortable with and I sometimes offend the very people I'm trying to be honest with to have a healthier relationship.

Relationships are tough and being honest with each other doesn't always work.  I can take criticism, but sometimes it has hurt.  But, I believe it makes me a better person to know the things I do that annoy others.  If I'm not told, I don't know that sometimes I can be totally annoying, when I think I'm tons of fun!  Saying the right words without offending is not easy, but we should all be open to hearing them and try to listen, absorb, and pay attention to our behavior. Then, try to be better, and let it go.  Let the past be the past, and make tomorrow better.

Life in general is not easy if we are trying every day to be the person we want to be...but life is meant to be lived and mistakes will be made. We can't beat ourselves up over our mistakes because they can always be corrected.  And we will continue to make them. We are human, after all, and we are really not that different.

Top of the mornin' to you on this day of Irish celebration when everyone is Irish!  The O'Smiths, O'Jones, O'Giavanni's, O'Chen's, O'Vladimir's, O'Goldsmith's, O'Garcia's, and yes, the Obama's  are all Irish today!  Green and proud, we stand as one nationality today.  A part of me thinks it would be wonderful if we supported each other every day, but that is not how America was started.  Plus, there would be way too much drinking and green outfits to contend with on a daily basis.

Diversity is what makes this country unique.  The differences of ideas, nationalities and traditions.  Gradually, we seem to be more open and accepting of differences in people, but it has taken hundreds of years.  Change is slow because not many people are open to it, and to many, change is scary because the outcome is unpredictable.  We need to know that our decisions are going to be beneficial and an improvement over our prior situation.  But, we can't know that unless we try it out first.

Basically, this is the same problem we all have in life.  If I make a decision, will it be the right one?  Will it be an improvement or a disaster?  The responsibility is overwhelming.  That's why I leave the decision-making to someone else.  I do not want to be responsible for getting it wrong.  It is so much easier just to say, "Hey!  It wasn't my decision!  I would have never done it that way!"  No one can blame me, and I have no guilt regarding the destruction the other person caused.  I can almost be the hero when they all come to me and say, "Eileen, we should have let you decide.  This disaster would have been avoided!"  And I can be all humble and say, "Yes, you're probably right.  It should have been me."  See how I dodged the bullet there?

Now, when it comes time for a new decision, we need a new excuse to avoid it and pass it to someone else.  Thinking of new ways of avoidance can be difficult, but not impossible.  I have used, "I have a terrible cold, which may have turned to pneumonia, and I need a LOT if rest."  Or, "I need to plan meals for the needy for the rest of the year."  Or, "I haven't cleaned my house in ages, and it will take me at least the rest of my life to get it in order."  See how easy that is?  Much easier than making a decision.

Therefore, on this St. Paddy's day, embrace the culture and exuberance of the Irish.  Think about also accepting and acknowledging the rest of American cultures in the future.  Life in this country and the world would be much more peaceful if we could be more tolerant of the differences in people.  And let someone else make the decisions!  That is just too much responsibility!  I should have applied that to a job offer I had recently when I told the man I was not the right person for the job.  What made me think I should make that decision??  See, that was just wrong and it won't happen again.  We all make mistakes.  Why?  Because we are all the basically the same.  Happy St. Paddy's Day!!

Spring has not sprung and winter is letting us know with a vengeance that it is not ready to go quietly. Cold weather just seems to exaggerate whatever is going on in our lives.  Somehow, flowers in bloom make everything else seem bearable. We can't make it happen, but wouldn't it be great if we could?

If you wake up without heat on a night it is a 0 degree wind chill, it's ok.  The sunshine will do its thing!  Poof! Flowers will start to grow.  If bad news arrives on a dreary day. It's ok.  The sun will come out to wake up the flowers. Sunshine and flowers are so cliche but so effective.

This year has been full of tragedy for so many people I know and love.  I lost two family members, one too young, and one very old. I'm about to lose another.  One of my friends is dealing with possibly losing her dear husband.  Winter makes these tragedies feel worse as it tends to make people not want to leave the house.  If we could get out and see each other on a beautiful day, these tragedies could be shared easily, and we wouldn't have to worry about the snow when planning a funeral. Snow was a factor in three of the funerals I attended this year which increased the anxiety of an already stressful situation.

But, I think we are over the hump and I'm pretty sure the light at the end of the tunnel is sunshine and not a freight train.  Just a few more weeks and we can emerge from hibernation and renew friendships with neighbors and all the people we have not made the effort to see because we haven't wanted to face the winter cold. We will feel the sun on our face, and the warm breeze blowing our hair. We get to wear flip flops again or no shoes at all.  We can walk on the beach in shorts.  And the best thing of all, we don't have to shovel any more snow.  But, wait, now we have to mow the lawn, and plant flowers, and water the lawn, and clean the grill, and paint the house, and slap the mosquitoes.

Yes, there is always work to do whatever season is here.  I guess it's a matter of preference, like everything else in life.  I prefer warm weather, so it never feels like work if I'm outside in the sun. Sunshine is rejuvenating, so I'm looking forward to lots of it.  My tragedies are not over, but the sun heals my wounded heart.  I can feel it on my skin, penetrating warmth that reaches my soul and soothes the pain. I am happy to see winter leave so the sun and flowers can brighten my every day.  I think we all need days that soothe us and remind us we are alive and grateful for whatever we find beautiful.  Whatever your preference is, we are really all the same.

Staying positive in the mist of a barrage of bad news is no easy task.  I have learned to spend less time thinking about bad news and more time focusing on the good.  Small things like "Hey!  I woke up this morning!  And my feet were above the ground!"  Or jumping on the scale and realizing I lost two ounces.  Sometimes making a dinner that everyone liked.  (This I want to mark on the calendar with a big star!)  Too many of us dwell on the the bad stuff around us and forget about the small things that make our life bearable or, dare I say, happy!

This week, two of my friends got jobs after being unemployed for several months.  They are happy with their new position in life, and this makes me happy.  Two other friends, lost important people in their lives, which makes me sad. But, death is part of life.  We need to deal with it because we are all coming to it eventually.  We will be sad, but life continues.  One of my friends had her first two grandchildren within two weeks of each other.  Life and death.  Joy and sorrow. The ying-yang of life.

Now, am I jealous of my younger friend that now has two grandchildren?  You betcha!!  Am I even close to being a grandmother?  Nope.  But, I find joy in the knowledge that maybe some day I may be lucky enough to experience that joy.  It gives me hope.  Looking forward to a special event, visible, such as an impending marriage, or not yet visible, like grandchildren, is the essence of life.  It is not traveling, or winning the Pulitzer, or winning the lottery that defines us.  It's the every day events that make us smile and give our life meaning.

I have a bucket list which I believed I needed to have completed before I die.  I found myself striving to check off the list and becoming frustrated because the bulk of the list I don't think I can ever accomplish.  Traveling is just not feasible when you're broke!  But, when we die, who cares?  I have had a marriage for almost 36 years.  I have raised two children who appear stable and well-adjusted.  (well, one out of two maybe) I have seen my parents and grandparents live long healthy lives.  I have a big extended family who are loving, caring and always around when they're needed.  My only hope is that I will be remembered as loving and caring as well.  A good mother, wife, sister, cousin, aunt, daughter and friend.  Feel free to put all of that on my tombstone!  I have never seen anything about people's other accomplishments at the grave site.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we need to be happy with all the blessings we have that we tend to forget about, or not notice at all.  Just the fact that we have food every day and heat and a bed.  We can see and smell and feel and hear life all around us. How special is that?  Again, if we think about it, we are all blessed and we are all the same!

Dinner.  The most dreaded word in the human language; especially if you are the one that has the responsibility every night of deciding and answering the question of, "What's for dinner?" I would be happy with wine and chocolate every night. I don't understand why no one else would!

Chocolate can come in different colors, and wine comes in red and white. And wine is made from grapes which counts as fruit.  There are many levels to the food group pyramid that include fruits and vegetables, meat and protein, dairy, etc.  Why can't there be a colorful food group?  We can put the candy right in that group, which includes chocolate.  Wine is often paired with chocolate.  There are books written about them, as well as wine tastings that include samples of the correct chocolate to enhance the essence of a particular wine.

Of course, dark chocolate is considered better for us than milk chocolate, and I prefer milk. Red wine is considered better than white for our blood, and I prefer white.  Milk chocolate, I would assume has milk in it, so perhaps that could go in the dairy group. Another level of the pyramid would be conquered!  So dairy and fruit is covered in one meal!  I think we've got dinner!

Then, I would have the daunting task of deciding which chocolate goes with which wine! Can I use a handful of M&M's with a rose colored wine? Would Snickers go with a chardonnay? Baby Ruth with a Pinot Noir? Now, I'm getting nervous again.  This is almost as bad as deciding what's for dinner.

Another alternative I have used sometimes is making one meal for the entire week.  That would require only deciding four meals a month.  This idea is not too hard to swallow, no pun intended.  (Well, maybe a little intended.)  So, we would only have to decide 52 meals a year!  Oh, dear, let's go back to one meal a week. I need to do this one step at a time.

So, this week I made a turkey with all the trimmings.  The only thing I may have to do the rest of the week is make a new vegetable.  By Friday I will hear, "But we've had this five days in a row!"  I will reply, "No, the vegetables have been different every night!  And soon, I'm making something new that you can have six days in a row!  Maybe a giant meatloaf!"

I love this job! It's hard to believe I've been doing this for 35 years. When can I stop?  I think most women feel the same way.  We're really not that different! 

On "Throwback Thursday" I become very melancholy.  I enjoy looking at the old pictures people post and I think about the good old days.  I remember some events from my young days, but not much. I do know, they were really the best times because jobs were easier to find, houses were easier to buy, and toys for kids were simple and affordable.  Children were more in tune to their youth and definitely played more outside and didn't have a thousand scheduled extra activities.  The only extra activity I had was the Girl Scouts. During that time, we actually had to earn the badge. I learned so much from this organization during a time when life was much more laid back and mothers were home all day.

Unfortunately, the dangers that existed all around us were not emphasized as they are today.  We actually went door-to-door selling our cookies, without an adult accompanying us. I encountered an experience at one house that forced my parents to forbid me to go around by myself any more. A young man exposed himself to me, but I couldn't remember which house it was!  It could have ended much worse, and I was fortunate.  Because my parents were uncomfortable asking people to buy girl scout cookies, I was never able to reach my "quota" after that.  I also remember the boxes being around 25 cents, which is a far cry from $4 a box containing only about ten cookies!

I also remember bangs.  Young girls all had bangs about one inch long that were never cut straight and were usually longer on one side.  Most of our mothers cut our bangs, and usually right before school pictures.  Because my forehead is gigantic, and the bangs were so short, my huge forehead became the focal point of all the pictures.  Also, my eyes were already big and looked even bigger.  This earned me the nickname "headlights".  Between the call of "headlights" and the rhyming nickname, "Benedetti Spaghetti",  I was not a happy child with those silly bangs!

But, I grew up anyway and I was not psychologically marred for life.  The uncomfortable embarrassments of our childhood, and some unfortunate situations, are all part of becoming responsible adults.  My parents never fought my battles for me, and I never expected them to do that.  Of course, I am not talking about serious situations that do require parent intervention. It seems parents today are so ready to jump in at the least infraction toward their children, especially when it comes to their teachers.  I had some terrible teachers, but I knew I had to plug through and do the best I could.  And my word over the teachers?  Forget it.  The teacher was always right and I was in trouble. Bullies?  I was bullied in Kindergarten.  The teachers watched out for me and I got through it.  I know I was only five, but it was serious and involved torn dresses and my head pushed into a tree.  I think because I was so naive, and definitely blonde, that I disregarded the whole thing and had no trouble in my later years.  No deep depression, and no brain damage from being hit by a tree. (Well, the verdict is still out on that one!!)

I know nothing stays the same and life is constantly changing.  We all long to go back to a simpler time.  The only way to get through it is to accept the changes and try to go ahead with them. When one plan doesn't work, "make a new plan, Stan."  I'm still working on a new plan, but my problem is I'm lazy and lack the self-confidence to move ahead.  Once we conquer our fear of failure, keep getting up when we just want to stay down, and look life in the eye and spit at it, we can put the plan into action. That's life!